僕と

Bye :)

To the stranger with a familiar face

In the end, maybe it wasn't you that I missed, per se, but the more physical aspects of our relationship. Or maybe having someone to talk to and keep me company.

So in that respect it seems you were right, your absence did help, letting go did too.  Maybe it's just as well that the rain never stops, and that we'll never meet again.

We lead different lives, and we're bound on different paths now.

 

It was nice meeting you anyway, however brief it may have been.

 

To Fly

Hope is fragile. But humans are incredible in their tenacity, in their ability  to find hope, even in the grimest of situations, and even if it's just a twinkle in the dark.

 

Likewise, I've been holding on to something even though it's been dead for some time now and I know that there isn't a future there. But it's the possibilities that keep me wandering. What if, what if, and what if it didn't end? What would it have been like?

But it's a futile hope, and although this technically is my first, it isn't. I'm not new to this business of letting go and forgetting. Always with great reluctance, some grief and lots of looking back even though I know it won't do me any good.

But not this time. This time, I'm giving it back to You. Not as a regret, but as something I treasure very much, even though it's no longer there. All my memories, hopes and feelings. I'm glad that it happened, but I'm sorry that I forgot what I promised, and that I took it for granted.

.

I'm quite tired now, and I doubt this makes much sense anymore. But, I want to give this a try... and I know it's been in the way, and I really want to be fully there.

Because a smile is an illusion, or just another distraction

By now, you've learnt that all things come to an end, so learn to let go.  Learn to to start anew, to move on. Remember to smile. And be brave debs, because you'll need it when you leave.

Static

You know, in the end it's our friendship before our relationship that I really miss. But I suppose it can't be helped.

Hello again, old vice

Where my happiness is inversely proportionate to how much I eat. It's been a long time and then some... But it's sad to say that I haven't changed much. You've always been a shadow lurking at the back of my mind. I know it's not true, but it's hard to unbelieve.

I used to believe that there were many things
beyond my control... I can't predict when I'll die. I can't change the fact that I'll never be smart. I don't know when my friendships will simply evaporate into thin air. I don't know what lies ahead for me in the future and life seems to be out of control.

But I can control my weight. I can choose what I eat, or don't eat. And I feel empowered. Because there's finally something that I have control over.

By now, I know that this isn't necessarily true. That there are other ways to deal with uncertainty in my life.

But damn, you're one hard stain to remove.... And at the end of the day, I still draw comfort from it, and I'll still keep coming back, over and over again.
.

In the end, I wasn't brave enough to keep it all in :\

Shame

Because this is my "secret blog". Strangely, some things haven't changed since I posted one year ago. Such as a certain need for privacy. And when I can't tell anyone, here I am.

I don't know how to explain this. Sometimes, when something I'm angry about something, it's just not nice to bitch about it. Especially if I'll soon regret it. Blogging is just about the same, if you know they will read it. Yes, it's my journal and my life... but there's the dichotomy. Whether I like it or not, I think kind of like a public declaration about something.

I think the best way to work through difficult situations is to work them out face, rather than gossip, bitch and worse yet have someone write a boohoo entry about it. But I know, that's probably idealistic at best.

But there times, when I can't. They won't listen. I can't tell my friends and omg she reads my blog. This is the point where I'm beyond exasperation, if I can't work it out, I can't get out, I can't get help and even my favourite way to de-stress or express myself is denied. In this situation, I would go batshit crazy.

But let's not get hysterical. As of yet, these occurances are rare. I have found many ways to hide even on my own blog. I have learned that technology can be evil. That it is NOT to my benefit to link fb to twitter and to my blog. (I only want so many people to know that I was amused being harrassed by a barrister or that I smartly tried to unlock the gate with my backdoor key this morning.)

--

I meant to say something more but... it's 3.30am. I need to sleep. I can suck up and continue another day. I won't explode. All I can say is, tomorrow will be interesting and possibly awkward. Let's see how it plays out.

the prodigal daughter

Hello my neglected blog, my neglected other life.

It's time to reflect on these two diverging paths.

Although I haven't been to church in a long while, it doesn't mean that I've stopped believing or stopped thinking about it. God is calling...and I can sense it >_>

Today I had a moment of ingame dread while training.... It was mighty awkward and I was expecting a revelation of another kind. But alas, I was wrong (it was a revelation in a more literal sense ^_^ human relationships...but that's equally as scary D:). Nevertheless it was a timely reminder.

To tie the two seperate issues together...I'm running from many things, both God and people. It's all I really know how to do. But God is a little bit too omniscient to outrun, and many unexpected ways to surprise us.

#

And I shouldn't need two blogs for one life. But there are certain reasons... such as privacy :| I want some control over who reads it. But it sounds ironic even to me.

Just a thought

I forget. Not sometimes but often.

All this striving, aiming higher, crying, worrying, feelings of frustration. The endless beats of life and worrying for tomorrow.

Are my grades good enough? Will I be able to get a job tomorrow? What if I don't live up to my parent's expectations? Will I be able to maintain this lifestyle? Where will I be tomorrow? Will I be able to provide for my parents? All these endless what if's.

Aiming for perfection seems like an endless climb upwards. It's a struggle, it's a burden.

But perfection is found in You. Peace and joy is found in You. My trust should be found in You.

But that's easier to say than it is to follow. Is doubt the antithesis of trust?